Listen to this articleWhen marriages dissolve and spouses decide to divorce, most hope for a swift and amicable resolution, even if the process is very emotional, and often punctuated by feelings of animosity.
However, in the age of texting, numerous social media platforms, and other forms of online communication, divorce attorneys on Long Island warn that the technology people have become accustomed to can sometimes complicate their case.
“Most of us tend to be less cautious with words when texting, posting on social media, or messaging through a social media application, than we might otherwise be when speaking verbally to someone,” says Christopher Chimeri, a partner at Quatela Chimeri PLLC in Hauppauge. “This is seen often with statements the speaker wishes they could ‘take back,’ but usually can’t, because it is now preserved in a message thread, saved or downloaded by the recipient, and then disseminated to any number of people.”
Chimeri suggests the fast-moving pace of communication technology leaves users vulnerable to mistakes that could compromise their divorce proceedings, or threaten the security of attorney-client communications. “We live in a time when privacy is the exception,” he says. “Technology is ever-changing, and each messaging platform or account has differences. You may have unwittingly logged into your email account on a shared home computer and not realized it, and your spouse may now be able to access those communications.”
When emotionally-charged communication becomes antagonistic, technology can facilitate abusive behavior, especially when using social media. “A partner may threaten to share embarrassing photos, posts, or text messages,” says Dina De Giorgio, a partner at Schwartz Sladkus Reich Greenberg Atlas LLP in Port Washington. “They may even expose them on social media to force the other person to give in to their demands or stay in the relationship. Threatening to share explicit images or text messages on social media meant to humiliate them or have them fired could be considered a crime.”
De Giorgio says that people who are threatened by their spouses can take action to defend themselves against future abuse. “The victim can request an order of protection that prohibits this kind of behavior. If the spouse does it anyway, and violates the order of protection, they can be arrested,” she says.
Even after divorce proceedings have concluded, social media and other forms of online contact can still be used in manipulative ways. “Social media posts can be used to challenge custody arrangements,” notes Brian Picarello, executive partner at Picarello & Saciolo PLLC in Islandia. “For instance, a parent posting about a wild night out might face scrutiny about their fitness as a caregiver, and communications that violate restraining orders or agreements about not discussing the divorce or disparaging the ex-spouse can lead to legal consequences.”
Unfortunately, the reach of harmful communication can sometimes extend beyond the spouses.
“Children may see or hear about their parents’ disputes through social media, causing emotional distress and impacting their relationship with both parents. For example, children might come across a parent’s angry rants or negative posts about the other parent, leading to loyalty conflicts and psychological stress,” Picarello says. “One parent might use social media to alienate the child from the other parent, posting negative comments or encouraging the child to do so. This can harm the child’s relationship with the alienated parent and complicate custody arrangements.”
Picarello recommends that victims document abuse by saving all digital communications that constitute abuse, including screenshots, emails and text messages, to effectively present digital evidence demonstrating a pattern of coercive control in court. Other tools can be used to prove that abuse occurred as well. “Attorneys may use legal processes, like subpoenas, to obtain digital evidence from social media platforms, phone companies, and other relevant entities,” he explains.
In addition to sound legal advice, a comprehensive support system for clients involved in contentious divorces is key. “Attorneys should understand how to counsel clients in improving their digital security by changing passwords, enabling two-factor authentication, and using secure communication methods,” Picarello says, “and [they should] connect clients with support groups, counseling services, and domestic violence advocates who
can provide emotional and practical
assistance.”
Parents that are divorcing need to be accountable for their communication in order to protect their children from harm, Chimeri explains. “In-person, spoken communication that leads to open dialogue is most preferred for divorcing [or divorced] parents when addressing issues about their children,” he says. “But, for that to be effective, both parties to that conversation need to behave respectfully and communicate effectively.”
Outside support, Chimeri says, including professional meditative resources and co-parenting apps, are also helpful for maintaining healthy boundaries.
To foster effective and open dialogue, De Giorgio advises clients to conduct their digital contact with their spouse in the same manner as any other type of communication, while maintaining detailed records.
“Keep it brief and address what is being asked, stick to the facts, and no name-calling, personal attacks, profanity, or threats,” De Giorgio says. “Likewise, if your spouse sends you a profane, threatening, or abusive text, it is fine to tell them you are not responding, and then don’t. It is very important to keep all the texts and emails that are exchanged during a divorce, particularly if it’s very contentious.”